We've Moved!!

We've moved our blog to a new site that I feel like is more of the direction that we needed to go. I realize that life has thrown us onto a whole other road and that hopefully we can help others that may find themselves in a similar situation. Please come over to our new site http://livingthroughourloss.com/ and follow our lives there! Thank you,
Crystal, Zach, Angel Averie & Pistol

Yesterday

Yesterday was a rough day. I would be lying if I said it wasn't. Just when I start feeling comfortable or that I'm finally healing I usually get slapped back into reality. I have realized that I will never know or understand how I am going to feel about certain things until they are here and I'm forced to deal with them. I also know that I can no longer live in fear for these instances. I know they are coming but I do my best to avoid them at all costs, but while I am trying to save myself I instead just set myself up for more heart ache. I am learning more about myself now then I ever have. I had no idea I had these limits. When I feel all is lost and that I cannot go on I somehow look at myself and think you are still here, how? I have no uplifting words today or insight in anything. Today I am just me in this moment. Sad, lost, mind racing. Tomorrow might be another story but today I just am.

My wake up call...even though it wasn't a fun one

I haven't written in a while and that's mainly because I am a perfectionist and feel like every time I write it has to be perfect. Turning a new leaf today because I think it's more important I get things down then how perfect they end up being. This post may be a little different then most and may even have a hint of humor (I hope!!)

This past Thursday I started noticing that within the last few weeks my anxiety levels were quite high and felt like they may be steadily climbing. Because I was diagnosed with graves disease about 5 years ago I felt like, after having years of reading my body, that it had to do with my levels changing and possibly being higher then normal. Throw in a few more heart palpitations and I just assumed I needed my blood drawn and I would be told that they were indeed high and that my daily dose of levothyroxin would need to be lowered. Just to prove I wasn't crazy I looked up the side effects of the lovely disease I have been blessed with and noticed a few similar things I had been experiencing other then the increased anxiety and heart palpitations. I copied them and sent them to my husband. Bad idea. Obviously he worries about me anyways but this just set off a big red flag with him. He was texting me telling me that he felt like he should take me to the ER. The ER?! The place people go when they are badly hurt or having life threatening issues. Not for me. Not for a girl with a few more heart palpitations then normal (yes they are normal for me) and a bunch of anxiety. After insisting I didn't need to go I told him I would call the doctor and see if I could get in right away. I called the clinic on base and gave them my symptoms told them my husband wanted to take me to the ER and that I wasn't to avoid that at all costs. Moments later they gave me an appointment time of 1:40 pm the next day. Whew! I was off the hook! I quickly text my husband and told him I had an appointment the next day and that all would be fine. Of course even after he got home he was still berating me about how he didn't feel good about it and he really still wanted me to go to the ER. Somehow I set his mind at ease or at least I thought I did because he accepted that we would just go to the doctor the next day. Next day rolls around I have a few bouts of being SUPER high strung, but let's face it we live in an house with absolutely NO air conditioning and all we have are these fans that just push the hot air around. It's hard to find even a small cool place in our house. I'm trying not to complain because hey, I have a roof over my head life is good! We take off to the base to my appointment at the clinic I'm feeling good in my self diagnosis and expect to be home in a few hours with a new lowered dose of medicine but boy I was wrong.

Upon arriving we went through the whole spill age, who I am, they weighed me (I didn't look) and complete medical history. They took all my vitals and then hooked me up to have a ECG (echocardiogram). The PA that was lucky enough to have me on his appointment book that day came in the room and asked me all familiar questions. He was nice older man a little hard of hearing so every time I talked he would watch my lips. I kept catching myself every time he'd ask a question looking at my husband for the answer. First off I don't know why we do that or maybe it's just me, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't know how many times I poop everyday. On top of that every time I would look at him I would quickly remind myself that the PA needs to read my lips so I just kept glancing quickly between the two like I was lost and didn't know the answer to his questions. He leaves the room only to come back a few minutes later to tell me the news...because of my symptoms and some "questionable" things on my graph from the ECG machine they can't run all the tests they need to do there and would need me to go to the ER. Great. I looked over at my husband and he just nodded. He didn't say I told you so, but he didn't have to either. Now here is the kicker. Because of liability purposes I couldn't just get in my car and drive to the ER I had to take an ambulance. At this point I was a little annoyed. I didn't want to go to the ER and I certainly didn't want to take a little ride over there in an ambulance.

After about 10 min sitting in the examination room and a few friendly chatty nurses later we hear the paramedics arrive with my "ride" to the hospital. It hit me, I have to get on the freaking cot and be strapped down! I guess the alternative would be to fall out during the ride but hey how about I just sit up front like the kids do when they get to see the fire trucks and I can honk the horn?? Wasn't working out that way. I was taking it somewhat ok until the paramedic said something about an IV and then the switch just flipped. Somewhere inside my brain where the switch lies must have been a switch for the water works because I instantly just started to cry. First off I've always hated IV's I've grown to be fine with needles because having your blood taken once a month for a year grows on you, but IV's are a different story. My last one with Averie was HORRIBLE. The whole experience was horrible but that didn't make things any better. So obviously I started to freak out and I just started to cry and cry. The paramedics were amazing and she said she would put it in before we took off so it would be less scary. It was less scary and she did an amazing job but still hate them! We take off and Zach follows us behind with the car. We don't have our lights or sirens on we're just casually driving to the ER. At one point we hear sirens and I said to the paramedic in back with me it's a little strange being in an ambulance hearing those sirens passing and having to pull over for them. Usually it's the other way around. About 20 min later we arrive at the ER where we had been only 6 short months prior in the dead of the morning in cold February. I wasn't excited to be back. Things went as normal they wheeled me in and got me to a room. To make a LONG story short we sat there for 6 hours while they took blood, did another ECG, and did a front chest xray. Zach and entertained each other by talking about everything and planning our future haunted house we would own someday. I thought it would be cool to own an old hospital because something about them frightens me and well that would be a pretty awesome haunted attraction. Around 8ish the doctor walks in and tells me everything looks fine. Blood work, xrays, ECG everything. I felt defeated. Not only did we just have the most lamest emotional weird day for nothing but I didn't have any reason behind my crazy anxiety. After we got discharged we were in the car and I was reading my discharge instructions. They said heart palpitations were caused by anxiety, correct, but what was my anxiety caused from? It only took a few minutes and then it hit me. My levels are fine but I am not. I have stressed myself out and have given myself the worst anxiety the last few months myself. The problem with me is when I decide I want to do something I put everything I have into it. Which in some ways is a good thing but in others can just be bad because then I start becoming obsessed and when things don't work out or I don't see results I start to get down and even more obsessed tweaking and trying to find the problem. I guess you could say the trip to the ER was a huge wake up call for me. I didn't have the ability to blame it on my disease it was honestly just ME and I needed to get myself together and make some changes. This past few days I have been by myself because Zach is away training in the field and I have thought about and researched what I could do to make my life less stressful and me less anxious. First off I need to stop worrying about myself and focus on helping others.  I told Averie that since she never got the chance to live that I would live for her and touch others lives like I know she did and would have done. I haven't done that entirely yet but I'm going to and I won't beat myself up because I haven't yet I think signs or things happen when we need them to and I needed this wake up call. Sometimes you just need a little push.

Fireflies

It's amazing how small miracles can happen in life when you least expect them to. Sometimes those miracles take place and go unnoticed or unappreciated while others touch your heart and create a moment in time, like a bookmark, that you'll never forget. I had one of those moments just the other day. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to see fireflies. It might sound silly to some but I lived in Utah most my life where the dry desert air kept anything like that away. As a kid I would read my father's books. He always had national geographic books or books that always peaked my curiosity or filled me with awe at what I read. One book was about natures most amazing things. It had big pages with beautiful pictures and I was always drawn to the page about fireflies. It was at that time I knew I wanted to see these little creatures in real life. I sat with my husband a couple months ago on the couch one night, and mentioned to him how that was on my bucket list. Of course he picked up his phone right away and started googling location of fireflies. Nothing came up for Northern New York so obviously I was a little let down. He did say though, that they were in Chicago where his grandparents live so I thought maybe I would be able to see them someday. A few weeks later we were at a friends house who live way beyond city limits. It had rained a few days earlier and was going to rain later that night so the air was muggy and stale. We were all sitting outside and someone mentioned something about the lightening bugs. My husband called to me and I looked around the corner of their house to see a few little flashes of light here and there. I was ecstatic and couldn't contain my excitement! Unfortunately there weren't many of them and we ended up going inside because of the rain and the fact that we were being eaten by mosquito's. I went home that night thinking that's the last time I will see them because I hadn't seen them last summer when we lived here and I had never seen them by our house. A little disappointed, but still very much excited I was able to see a few from a distance, I carried on like normal throughout the next few weeks and didn't think anything of it. A few nights ago, after a long day of rain, Zach walked outside to get the mail. A few minutes later he ran inside and started screaming "baby come outside!" I sprang up from the couch in confusion and he said "There are fireflies everywhere!". I grabbed my phone and my camera and I walked outside. What I saw was amazing. Flashes of light EVERYWHERE all over the yard in the neighbors yard across the street, wherever I looked there were fireflies. A few minutes later I walked back inside but couldn't shake the feeling that I needed more time so I shut off the front porch light and went outside alone. I knelt down and watched with wide eyes as the flashes continued. They lit up the night sky like Christmas lights as the crickets played their familiar tunes in the background. Tears rushed to my eyes as I sat there and watched. As the twinkling continued I suddenly felt my baby girl with me. In an instant I felt this rush of emotion. Like she was sending me a message. A message of hope. Hope that everything will get better, that this emptiness inside of me will not go away but will get easier to deal with. Hope that my husband and I could go on and that everything would be ok. Some would look at those fireflies with no regard, that they had no meaning. But they had meaning to me. I got up after wiping my tears from my eyes and walked back inside with a not only a new outlook on life but something I had wished to feel for awhile. For the first time in a long time I had felt hope. I will still have hard days, but a little light inside of me has been lit. It might be dim at times and others times extremely bright but this light is my hope and as long as it's there burning then everything will be ok. We will be ok.

Mother's Day

I knew that Mother's Day would be a tough one. Just like my due date and other significant dates that will come up. I had high hopes that I would be happy and wouldn't be effected by the fact that it was a day to celebrate Mother's and the one thing that made me a mother was not with us anymore. My friend Rhonda put it perfectly in her Facebook post "This can be a hard day for some mother's and a joyous one for others. We hope you all have a wonderful day and find joy in something". After I read this it made me think. While my baby is not here with me I am still a Mother. I was still able to get pregnant and to carry this tiny little angel inside of me for 8 months. I was able to give birth to her and hold her in my arms and feel her sweet little spirit. She may not be with us right now but from the moment she was created she made me a Mom. With that I felt grateful and blessed because unlike many women that are never given the opportunity to have children I was at least given that. Life is hard and sometimes things happen that are unexplainable and will be the hardest things we will ever go through but something positive can always come out of it if you allow it to. My baby is gone and I will never hear her call me Mommy but she is mine and in the stillness of the night when I lay awake at night I can feel her next to me and I can imagine what her sweet little voice would have sounded like. I'm sure it would have been music to my ears. 

What's in a name...

When I started this blog over a year ago I thought that writing about my life as an army wife was a great idea. Having never been an army wife before I was almost certain that I would have these stories that others would want to hear and quickly come up with advice that may help others. Unfortunately I realized very soon that wasn't the case. The new title of my blog was inspired by the first post I did. I am still an army wife and until I figure out what my advice is for other army spouses I'll continue to write about what I know best...my perfectly imperfect life. Start following me and I promise we will share moments of laughter, sadness & happiness.

Year One

The first year of any marriage is hard. It's been known to be the "hardest" as a lot of married couples like to say. You experience the mixed emotions of living with someone and having to deal with their strange habits. For instance when they leave their wet towel on the floor or they don't clean up after themselves. And then there is the money thing. A whole other component to trying to work together and still make each other happy. Yesterday was our one year anniversary. One small year has somehow felt like 5 very long ones. Yes we've experienced the things above and yes they were hard but as I look back I laugh at them because I know now how so unimportant most of it was. We have been through a rough year. Our first deployment and then a death of our sweet baby girl. When most couples in their first year are struggling to figure out how to tell the other that when they leave their shoes in the middle of the floor it bothers them, we were trying to figure out how to cope being away from each other separated by thousands and thousands of miles. When others were angry because the trash hadn't been taken out on trash day we were crying in each others arms from a loss so devastating we will hurt from it for the rest of our lives. Because of all that we went through we were forced to communicate to look at ourselves and to figure out who we were. Not just as individuals but also in our marriage. So many couples crumble under the smallest of trials because the truth is marriage is hard. I will never say that I'm happy about what we had to go through but I am happy that we were forced to be tested that our relationship was put under trial. We went through some of the hardest things that a marriage can go through and we did it in the first year, the hardest year. I smile now because we are still standing, not just standing, but standing strong and tall. Anything since is a breeze and if something harder comes along I can look at my hand where my husband holds it and know he nor I are going anywhere. I love you Zach you are truly my rock and my soulmate <3

Due Date

Today is March 31, 2015. It's significance to others is probably nothing more then just another Tuesday during a hectic work week. But to me it's much more. Today would have been my due date. As much as I hate admitting I've been dreading this day for weeks now, wondering what it would feel like. Now it's here. My arms feel empty and my heart still aches. I wonder how different life would have been in this moment had things turned out differently. I would happily welcome a crying baby and welcome the sleepless nights. 

I had a doctors appointment yesterday. My anxiety started as soon as I woke up. Not only was I returning to the place it all happened I knew that they wouldn't have much more information to why this tragedy took place. Pulling into the parking garage and seeing the emergency entrance to the hospital again put a pit in my stomach. My husband parked the car and we walked to the physicians offices across the parking lot. Walking into the doctors office was even more torture, seeing pregnant women with their beautiful little bellies. Most likely these women will carry their babies full term and give birth to healthy children. The nurse called us back and we sat in the room waiting for my doctor. He walks in with a similar look he had given us 4 weeks earlier at my 2 week appointment. Kind eyes but unsure of how to act. Not many more details were provided in what happened regarding our babies life and as my doctor put it if was just "bad luck". To me this phrase was like a stab to the heart. I have been saying for years how I have bad luck and to have it confirmed was a blow like no other. It's one thing to have bad luck when it just effects myself but for it now to effect my daughter and her beautiful precious life doesn't sit well with me. But then I start thinking...was it bad luck that I met her father? Was it bad luck that we fell in love and couldn't wait to be together so we eloped? Was it bad luck that we loved each other so much we wanted to start a family? Was it bad luck I got pregnant after one try? Was it bad luck that I carried that beautiful precious soul for almost 9 months and fell completely head over heels for her? No. None of it was bad luck not even down to the tragedy that took her life. I will never get the answers as to why she was taken from us but I can't and won't blame my bad luck. Bad things will happen to all of us but I choose to look at all the good luck I've had because I have been blessed with so much. I don't have my daughter now but I have her memory, her clothes, pictures, the sweetest video of her and more then that I have her little spirit...I have my very own good luck charm, my little angel Averie. 

An Army All Our Own

The last 3 1/2 weeks since we lost our angel Averie has been those of sadness, fear, and breakthroughs. Amongst all these emotions it's also been one of amazing miracles, support and love. When Zach and I went to the emergency room in the early hours of February 12th we were scared and very much alone being hundreds of miles away from our loved ones. Little did we know that an army of support was building all over the nation for us. From the hospital staff that held our hands during such a difficult time, to our family that flew out hours after hearing of our loss, to my husbands Army leadership, our family back home, and the amazing amount of strangers that have showed us their love. Life threw us into battle, a battle we were not expecting and defiantly not equipped for on our own. Luckily we were not forced to fight this battle alone. The amount of gratitude we feel in our hearts is over flowing and to just say "thank you" seems like it's not enough. My sister Vanessa and best friend Ashley printed and mailed us every comment that was made on Facebook and Instagram so that we would be able to read the kind words and feel the love and support whenever we need to. Although family has gone home and we still find ourselves hundreds even thousands of miles away from loved ones, I close my eyes and picture our army behind us. Equipped with their love and support ready to go into battle with us whenever we need them. That picture puts a smile on my face and feels my heart with so much peace. Whether you lent your support through kind words or reached out to us personally we would like to THANK each and every one of you from the bottom of hearts. Your love and your support has not gone unnoticed and we love each and every one of you.

XOXOXOXO Crystal, Zach, Pistol the min pin & Averie our angel <3

Mixed Emotions

It's been a few weeks since I've written my thoughts down. Mainly because of all the mixed emotions that I've been experiencing it's been difficult expressing myself day to day. Each day has been different. I feel hope one day and then the next I am plagued by guilt and sadness. Anger had reared it's ugly head a few times as well and it's presence is never pleasant. I have never in a million years thought this would be my reality. Learning to grieve is such a process. Nobody ever prepares you for it but life pushes it on you. I've had so many people tell me how strong I've been but even in my best moments I still feel weak. I was supposed to start working today and normalcy seemed exactly what I needed. As I woke up this morning I had a pit in my stomach. I'm not sure I'm ready for it just yet but how long do I put it off? Sometimes I wish someone would hand me a calendar with a date circled on it. The date circled would be the day I would be free of sadness, guilt and anger. The reality is you can't put a time frame on this. I know there will be a day that I will be free of most of these feelings and that day will be welcomed. But for now I will grieve the loss of my daughter and I will continue to experience the pain, the heartache, guilt and possibly anger.

Our Angel is Home

Back in July 2014 Zach and I found out we were expecting. He thought he knew that I was pregnant but I wasn't sure. When the stick flashed "pregnant" I instantly felt a rush of emotion and without hesitation started to cry. I was going to be a mommy. That night I lay there thinking that in 9 short months I would be bringing a baby home. I never knew though that it would be in a way I least expected. Today our baby girl came home to us. Having her close is comforting and I can feel her little spirit in our home. My heart aches that I will not hear her little screams in the middle of the night, or the pitter patter of her feet when she gets older. If someone would have taken me aside 8 months earlier and told me what the outcome would have been I wouldn't have changed a thing. I am so glad I was able to experience her little kicks, her hiccups and being able to listen to that strong heart beat of hers at every doctor visit. More then anything I'm glad I was able to see her little face and hold her closely to my heart to feel her little soul. That beautiful soul, although not ready to be here on earth, made me a mommy. In that short time she was here she made me understand what true love was. She now sits in a beautiful urn that I can look at whenever I want but I feel her close to me and I see her everywhere. I see her in the flowers on my table, the sun when it rises in the morning, and more then anything in her daddy when he sleeps beside me. My little angel is home now but the truth is she never left, she has always been here.  

My Real Life Knight in Shining Armor - Ode to my Husband

The past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I have cried so much that at times I felt the tears would never stop and that I would forever feel the warmth of them drip down my cheeks. Life had caught us by surprise and had completely changed our course. Amidst all the heartache, the tears, fear and sadness there was one man, my man, that kept me sane and was my rock through it all. My husband. Most women brag about theirs because they provide for their families and they are great fathers etc. I was able to see mine in a way most women don't get to. His vulnerability, his pain and his strength during one of the most tragic times of our lives. He has been truly amazing. I look at him and I see, not only the man I fell in love with, but a bigger version of that man. I look at him with the most admiration and the most respect. I have always been in love with him but our relationship has been heightened and has been taken to a whole other level. I feel EXTREMELY fortunate to be married to a man that is so selfless, loving, caring, protecting, strong, vulnerable and to put it simply...amazing. My husband not only provides, is an outstanding father, loves me unconditionally but can stand tall along side me in the face of tragedy. I am beyond proud to call him mine. My real life knight in shining armor. 

My Imperfectly Perfect Life

Today I actually made the decision to start writing posts on this blog that I created almost a year ago. Why did it take me so long? Some things I have a tendency to be a perfectionist at and if things aren't completely lined up in my head, or I don't feel like I have the perfect post, then I just decide not to do it. Today is different though. I am learning that it's ok to not be perfect. To not have every little thing planned out for things to work out. You would have thought I would have caught on to this thinking months ago. The last year of my life has been nothing but surprises. My husband and I eloped last April and that was by far the most unorganized thing I've ever done. My sister Vanessa and I packed my car and took the 3 day drive clear across the country with my belongings shoved into the back (and some tied on the roof!!) After arriving in town we spent a day in a hotel and then moved into our place the next day. My husband was living in the barracks as a single soldier so he had no furniture and I had sold all of mine to get out there. A quick trip to Walmart bought us a few air mattresses and some necessities. That Saturday we drove to a park in an unfamiliar city and met a very nice man and his wife, that Vanessa had lined up, to marry us. April in New York is still very cold and we all shook like leaves from the cool air. Right before sunset, in a dress I bought for $200, we were married. Our ceremony was quick, I had no flowers, and the only witnesses were my sister Vanessa and my husbands best friend. Our photographer was a mix of the two and my personal camera. I look back on the day and think of how imperfectly perfect it was. I wouldn't have had it any other way. At that moment, admit the craziness, I was married to the man of my dreams, who at that point I had searched for for 32 years. I didn't care I didn't have a big wedding, I wasn't sad there wasn't any cake and my hands didn't feel empty without a bouquet to hold. Instead, holding my new husbands hands and looking into his eyes, realizing we were starting this amazing journey together was enough. I woke up this morning, 9 months later, and watched him sleep for a moment. We have already been through one deployment, almost made it all the way through a pregnancy, survived a few chaotic moves and here we are still standing. Life isn't perfect, but I don't want perfect I just want my crazy unpredictable life.