Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Due Date

Today is March 31, 2015. It's significance to others is probably nothing more then just another Tuesday during a hectic work week. But to me it's much more. Today would have been my due date. As much as I hate admitting I've been dreading this day for weeks now, wondering what it would feel like. Now it's here. My arms feel empty and my heart still aches. I wonder how different life would have been in this moment had things turned out differently. I would happily welcome a crying baby and welcome the sleepless nights. 

I had a doctors appointment yesterday. My anxiety started as soon as I woke up. Not only was I returning to the place it all happened I knew that they wouldn't have much more information to why this tragedy took place. Pulling into the parking garage and seeing the emergency entrance to the hospital again put a pit in my stomach. My husband parked the car and we walked to the physicians offices across the parking lot. Walking into the doctors office was even more torture, seeing pregnant women with their beautiful little bellies. Most likely these women will carry their babies full term and give birth to healthy children. The nurse called us back and we sat in the room waiting for my doctor. He walks in with a similar look he had given us 4 weeks earlier at my 2 week appointment. Kind eyes but unsure of how to act. Not many more details were provided in what happened regarding our babies life and as my doctor put it if was just "bad luck". To me this phrase was like a stab to the heart. I have been saying for years how I have bad luck and to have it confirmed was a blow like no other. It's one thing to have bad luck when it just effects myself but for it now to effect my daughter and her beautiful precious life doesn't sit well with me. But then I start thinking...was it bad luck that I met her father? Was it bad luck that we fell in love and couldn't wait to be together so we eloped? Was it bad luck that we loved each other so much we wanted to start a family? Was it bad luck I got pregnant after one try? Was it bad luck that I carried that beautiful precious soul for almost 9 months and fell completely head over heels for her? No. None of it was bad luck not even down to the tragedy that took her life. I will never get the answers as to why she was taken from us but I can't and won't blame my bad luck. Bad things will happen to all of us but I choose to look at all the good luck I've had because I have been blessed with so much. I don't have my daughter now but I have her memory, her clothes, pictures, the sweetest video of her and more then that I have her little spirit...I have my very own good luck charm, my little angel Averie. 

Monday, March 9, 2015

An Army All Our Own

The last 3 1/2 weeks since we lost our angel Averie has been those of sadness, fear, and breakthroughs. Amongst all these emotions it's also been one of amazing miracles, support and love. When Zach and I went to the emergency room in the early hours of February 12th we were scared and very much alone being hundreds of miles away from our loved ones. Little did we know that an army of support was building all over the nation for us. From the hospital staff that held our hands during such a difficult time, to our family that flew out hours after hearing of our loss, to my husbands Army leadership, our family back home, and the amazing amount of strangers that have showed us their love. Life threw us into battle, a battle we were not expecting and defiantly not equipped for on our own. Luckily we were not forced to fight this battle alone. The amount of gratitude we feel in our hearts is over flowing and to just say "thank you" seems like it's not enough. My sister Vanessa and best friend Ashley printed and mailed us every comment that was made on Facebook and Instagram so that we would be able to read the kind words and feel the love and support whenever we need to. Although family has gone home and we still find ourselves hundreds even thousands of miles away from loved ones, I close my eyes and picture our army behind us. Equipped with their love and support ready to go into battle with us whenever we need them. That picture puts a smile on my face and feels my heart with so much peace. Whether you lent your support through kind words or reached out to us personally we would like to THANK each and every one of you from the bottom of hearts. Your love and your support has not gone unnoticed and we love each and every one of you.

XOXOXOXO Crystal, Zach, Pistol the min pin & Averie our angel <3

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Mixed Emotions

It's been a few weeks since I've written my thoughts down. Mainly because of all the mixed emotions that I've been experiencing it's been difficult expressing myself day to day. Each day has been different. I feel hope one day and then the next I am plagued by guilt and sadness. Anger had reared it's ugly head a few times as well and it's presence is never pleasant. I have never in a million years thought this would be my reality. Learning to grieve is such a process. Nobody ever prepares you for it but life pushes it on you. I've had so many people tell me how strong I've been but even in my best moments I still feel weak. I was supposed to start working today and normalcy seemed exactly what I needed. As I woke up this morning I had a pit in my stomach. I'm not sure I'm ready for it just yet but how long do I put it off? Sometimes I wish someone would hand me a calendar with a date circled on it. The date circled would be the day I would be free of sadness, guilt and anger. The reality is you can't put a time frame on this. I know there will be a day that I will be free of most of these feelings and that day will be welcomed. But for now I will grieve the loss of my daughter and I will continue to experience the pain, the heartache, guilt and possibly anger.