Mixed Emotions

It's been a few weeks since I've written my thoughts down. Mainly because of all the mixed emotions that I've been experiencing it's been difficult expressing myself day to day. Each day has been different. I feel hope one day and then the next I am plagued by guilt and sadness. Anger had reared it's ugly head a few times as well and it's presence is never pleasant. I have never in a million years thought this would be my reality. Learning to grieve is such a process. Nobody ever prepares you for it but life pushes it on you. I've had so many people tell me how strong I've been but even in my best moments I still feel weak. I was supposed to start working today and normalcy seemed exactly what I needed. As I woke up this morning I had a pit in my stomach. I'm not sure I'm ready for it just yet but how long do I put it off? Sometimes I wish someone would hand me a calendar with a date circled on it. The date circled would be the day I would be free of sadness, guilt and anger. The reality is you can't put a time frame on this. I know there will be a day that I will be free of most of these feelings and that day will be welcomed. But for now I will grieve the loss of my daughter and I will continue to experience the pain, the heartache, guilt and possibly anger.