Our Angel is Home

Back in July 2014 Zach and I found out we were expecting. He thought he knew that I was pregnant but I wasn't sure. When the stick flashed "pregnant" I instantly felt a rush of emotion and without hesitation started to cry. I was going to be a mommy. That night I lay there thinking that in 9 short months I would be bringing a baby home. I never knew though that it would be in a way I least expected. Today our baby girl came home to us. Having her close is comforting and I can feel her little spirit in our home. My heart aches that I will not hear her little screams in the middle of the night, or the pitter patter of her feet when she gets older. If someone would have taken me aside 8 months earlier and told me what the outcome would have been I wouldn't have changed a thing. I am so glad I was able to experience her little kicks, her hiccups and being able to listen to that strong heart beat of hers at every doctor visit. More then anything I'm glad I was able to see her little face and hold her closely to my heart to feel her little soul. That beautiful soul, although not ready to be here on earth, made me a mommy. In that short time she was here she made me understand what true love was. She now sits in a beautiful urn that I can look at whenever I want but I feel her close to me and I see her everywhere. I see her in the flowers on my table, the sun when it rises in the morning, and more then anything in her daddy when he sleeps beside me. My little angel is home now but the truth is she never left, she has always been here.  

My Real Life Knight in Shining Armor - Ode to my Husband

The past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I have cried so much that at times I felt the tears would never stop and that I would forever feel the warmth of them drip down my cheeks. Life had caught us by surprise and had completely changed our course. Amidst all the heartache, the tears, fear and sadness there was one man, my man, that kept me sane and was my rock through it all. My husband. Most women brag about theirs because they provide for their families and they are great fathers etc. I was able to see mine in a way most women don't get to. His vulnerability, his pain and his strength during one of the most tragic times of our lives. He has been truly amazing. I look at him and I see, not only the man I fell in love with, but a bigger version of that man. I look at him with the most admiration and the most respect. I have always been in love with him but our relationship has been heightened and has been taken to a whole other level. I feel EXTREMELY fortunate to be married to a man that is so selfless, loving, caring, protecting, strong, vulnerable and to put it simply...amazing. My husband not only provides, is an outstanding father, loves me unconditionally but can stand tall along side me in the face of tragedy. I am beyond proud to call him mine. My real life knight in shining armor. 

My Imperfectly Perfect Life

Today I actually made the decision to start writing posts on this blog that I created almost a year ago. Why did it take me so long? Some things I have a tendency to be a perfectionist at and if things aren't completely lined up in my head, or I don't feel like I have the perfect post, then I just decide not to do it. Today is different though. I am learning that it's ok to not be perfect. To not have every little thing planned out for things to work out. You would have thought I would have caught on to this thinking months ago. The last year of my life has been nothing but surprises. My husband and I eloped last April and that was by far the most unorganized thing I've ever done. My sister Vanessa and I packed my car and took the 3 day drive clear across the country with my belongings shoved into the back (and some tied on the roof!!) After arriving in town we spent a day in a hotel and then moved into our place the next day. My husband was living in the barracks as a single soldier so he had no furniture and I had sold all of mine to get out there. A quick trip to Walmart bought us a few air mattresses and some necessities. That Saturday we drove to a park in an unfamiliar city and met a very nice man and his wife, that Vanessa had lined up, to marry us. April in New York is still very cold and we all shook like leaves from the cool air. Right before sunset, in a dress I bought for $200, we were married. Our ceremony was quick, I had no flowers, and the only witnesses were my sister Vanessa and my husbands best friend. Our photographer was a mix of the two and my personal camera. I look back on the day and think of how imperfectly perfect it was. I wouldn't have had it any other way. At that moment, admit the craziness, I was married to the man of my dreams, who at that point I had searched for for 32 years. I didn't care I didn't have a big wedding, I wasn't sad there wasn't any cake and my hands didn't feel empty without a bouquet to hold. Instead, holding my new husbands hands and looking into his eyes, realizing we were starting this amazing journey together was enough. I woke up this morning, 9 months later, and watched him sleep for a moment. We have already been through one deployment, almost made it all the way through a pregnancy, survived a few chaotic moves and here we are still standing. Life isn't perfect, but I don't want perfect I just want my crazy unpredictable life.