Mother's Day

I knew that Mother's Day would be a tough one. Just like my due date and other significant dates that will come up. I had high hopes that I would be happy and wouldn't be effected by the fact that it was a day to celebrate Mother's and the one thing that made me a mother was not with us anymore. My friend Rhonda put it perfectly in her Facebook post "This can be a hard day for some mother's and a joyous one for others. We hope you all have a wonderful day and find joy in something". After I read this it made me think. While my baby is not here with me I am still a Mother. I was still able to get pregnant and to carry this tiny little angel inside of me for 8 months. I was able to give birth to her and hold her in my arms and feel her sweet little spirit. She may not be with us right now but from the moment she was created she made me a Mom. With that I felt grateful and blessed because unlike many women that are never given the opportunity to have children I was at least given that. Life is hard and sometimes things happen that are unexplainable and will be the hardest things we will ever go through but something positive can always come out of it if you allow it to. My baby is gone and I will never hear her call me Mommy but she is mine and in the stillness of the night when I lay awake at night I can feel her next to me and I can imagine what her sweet little voice would have sounded like. I'm sure it would have been music to my ears. 

Mixed Emotions

It's been a few weeks since I've written my thoughts down. Mainly because of all the mixed emotions that I've been experiencing it's been difficult expressing myself day to day. Each day has been different. I feel hope one day and then the next I am plagued by guilt and sadness. Anger had reared it's ugly head a few times as well and it's presence is never pleasant. I have never in a million years thought this would be my reality. Learning to grieve is such a process. Nobody ever prepares you for it but life pushes it on you. I've had so many people tell me how strong I've been but even in my best moments I still feel weak. I was supposed to start working today and normalcy seemed exactly what I needed. As I woke up this morning I had a pit in my stomach. I'm not sure I'm ready for it just yet but how long do I put it off? Sometimes I wish someone would hand me a calendar with a date circled on it. The date circled would be the day I would be free of sadness, guilt and anger. The reality is you can't put a time frame on this. I know there will be a day that I will be free of most of these feelings and that day will be welcomed. But for now I will grieve the loss of my daughter and I will continue to experience the pain, the heartache, guilt and possibly anger.

Our Angel is Home

Back in July 2014 Zach and I found out we were expecting. He thought he knew that I was pregnant but I wasn't sure. When the stick flashed "pregnant" I instantly felt a rush of emotion and without hesitation started to cry. I was going to be a mommy. That night I lay there thinking that in 9 short months I would be bringing a baby home. I never knew though that it would be in a way I least expected. Today our baby girl came home to us. Having her close is comforting and I can feel her little spirit in our home. My heart aches that I will not hear her little screams in the middle of the night, or the pitter patter of her feet when she gets older. If someone would have taken me aside 8 months earlier and told me what the outcome would have been I wouldn't have changed a thing. I am so glad I was able to experience her little kicks, her hiccups and being able to listen to that strong heart beat of hers at every doctor visit. More then anything I'm glad I was able to see her little face and hold her closely to my heart to feel her little soul. That beautiful soul, although not ready to be here on earth, made me a mommy. In that short time she was here she made me understand what true love was. She now sits in a beautiful urn that I can look at whenever I want but I feel her close to me and I see her everywhere. I see her in the flowers on my table, the sun when it rises in the morning, and more then anything in her daddy when he sleeps beside me. My little angel is home now but the truth is she never left, she has always been here.