Mother's Day

I knew that Mother's Day would be a tough one. Just like my due date and other significant dates that will come up. I had high hopes that I would be happy and wouldn't be effected by the fact that it was a day to celebrate Mother's and the one thing that made me a mother was not with us anymore. My friend Rhonda put it perfectly in her Facebook post "This can be a hard day for some mother's and a joyous one for others. We hope you all have a wonderful day and find joy in something". After I read this it made me think. While my baby is not here with me I am still a Mother. I was still able to get pregnant and to carry this tiny little angel inside of me for 8 months. I was able to give birth to her and hold her in my arms and feel her sweet little spirit. She may not be with us right now but from the moment she was created she made me a Mom. With that I felt grateful and blessed because unlike many women that are never given the opportunity to have children I was at least given that. Life is hard and sometimes things happen that are unexplainable and will be the hardest things we will ever go through but something positive can always come out of it if you allow it to. My baby is gone and I will never hear her call me Mommy but she is mine and in the stillness of the night when I lay awake at night I can feel her next to me and I can imagine what her sweet little voice would have sounded like. I'm sure it would have been music to my ears. 

Due Date

Today is March 31, 2015. It's significance to others is probably nothing more then just another Tuesday during a hectic work week. But to me it's much more. Today would have been my due date. As much as I hate admitting I've been dreading this day for weeks now, wondering what it would feel like. Now it's here. My arms feel empty and my heart still aches. I wonder how different life would have been in this moment had things turned out differently. I would happily welcome a crying baby and welcome the sleepless nights. 

I had a doctors appointment yesterday. My anxiety started as soon as I woke up. Not only was I returning to the place it all happened I knew that they wouldn't have much more information to why this tragedy took place. Pulling into the parking garage and seeing the emergency entrance to the hospital again put a pit in my stomach. My husband parked the car and we walked to the physicians offices across the parking lot. Walking into the doctors office was even more torture, seeing pregnant women with their beautiful little bellies. Most likely these women will carry their babies full term and give birth to healthy children. The nurse called us back and we sat in the room waiting for my doctor. He walks in with a similar look he had given us 4 weeks earlier at my 2 week appointment. Kind eyes but unsure of how to act. Not many more details were provided in what happened regarding our babies life and as my doctor put it if was just "bad luck". To me this phrase was like a stab to the heart. I have been saying for years how I have bad luck and to have it confirmed was a blow like no other. It's one thing to have bad luck when it just effects myself but for it now to effect my daughter and her beautiful precious life doesn't sit well with me. But then I start thinking...was it bad luck that I met her father? Was it bad luck that we fell in love and couldn't wait to be together so we eloped? Was it bad luck that we loved each other so much we wanted to start a family? Was it bad luck I got pregnant after one try? Was it bad luck that I carried that beautiful precious soul for almost 9 months and fell completely head over heels for her? No. None of it was bad luck not even down to the tragedy that took her life. I will never get the answers as to why she was taken from us but I can't and won't blame my bad luck. Bad things will happen to all of us but I choose to look at all the good luck I've had because I have been blessed with so much. I don't have my daughter now but I have her memory, her clothes, pictures, the sweetest video of her and more then that I have her little spirit...I have my very own good luck charm, my little angel Averie.